The Longest Minute…

head, man, person

I stopped. I stopped in front of the truck before it hit me for that one unit of time, that one minute before it came so close to me I stopped. And I thought, “well this is going to be painful,” because you don’t know how hard its going to hit you, where its going to hit you, you don’t know if you’re going to die or survive.

For that one longest minute of my life  I stopped and pictured my life and I thought, ‘this couldn’t be it, this couldn’t possibly be the end, this could not just be how it ends, after everything? After everything I’ve done, after everything I’ve been, even after every single thing I’ve gone through, it just can’t end like this. Where’s the drama, the pizzazz where is the climax I thought would call the curtain?’

So I thought of the good days, the days when I laughed so hard, the days when the sun was shining bright, the days when I could curl up in my blanket because it was too cold outside a hot beverage in hand, the days when I slept to my fill. Well, turns out I treasured those days hmph, they never made sense at the time but at this point, at this finish line, it all came together.

Then I thought of the bad days oh God they always seemed endless. The days when it rained heavily, thunder clapped and lightning flashed and that made me so scared and the blanket could not offer much comfort. The days when I felt like banging my head on the door post or against the wall because I just couldn’t think straight, the days when I curled up on the floor with no company with no one to hold my hand the days when I thought “well, I could just end all this.” Well here it was, the génie had granted my wish, the heavens had spoken and the end was here, with me.
Is it the way I wanted it to be? Is this it? Is this all there is to it? Is this how it’s going to end? Is this the climax I get? It hit me that this was actually the end. Should I celebrate it, should I feel bad about it, should I feel stressed about it? Nothing made sense anymore but it was the end nonetheless.

This was it, this was the end and I had to accept it, whether I liked it or not because that’s what strong women are taught to do. That’s what I had taught myself to do. Accept. Accept the beat down, accept the joy accept the world telling you you’re not enough, accept it because it’s okay, it’s alright, it’s fine it’s just today, nothing else. Accept it and I accepted it. And before I knew it there was a loud band and everything went dark.
The longest minute


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